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Inner musings

Fuckboy Fenomenon

By | Inner musings, Lifestyle | 4 Comments

We’ve heard this word.. we use this word.. but what is a fuckboy?

To me a fuckboy does not refer to either male or female or anyone in between.
A fuckboy could be a female, trust me! It’s the mentality.
Anyway.. if you don’t know a fuckboy, you probably are one and you should stop reading before you get offended.

118% fuckboy

 

Now let’s get some popular opinions of what people think a fuckboy is:

A man who is inconsistent, manipulates the feelings a woman has for him for his personal gain.

 

Someone who shows up outside your apartment to say he loves/misses you, every time he thinks you might be moving on. Knows exactly which buttons to push. Won’t commit but doesn’t want you with anyone else.

 

A man that never grows up, who lies on his dick, manipulates situations and stories just to fuck any woman he preys on, no remorse for his actions and no attachment (usually married or in a “serious” relationship).

 

A fella who only down for sex and could use you.

 

Reaches in your DMs/Whatsapp, real speed talk (emotions, being together, giving your emotions the good ol’ dangle) then radio silence for a while, before they show up and try to do it again.

 

A guy who cheats on girls a lot, thinks he dresses well but his pants are actually too tight and also has that haircut with the sides cut low.

 

Someone who says the right things and is all sweet to you but not willing to commit and doesn’t do the public outings. He will introduce you to his friends and say it’s his besties and they will be all nice but reserved. You’ll never meet upper family like parents and aunts and grandparents. He will also be the sweetest and always seem to have time for you or call you back. He gets offended if you accuse him of anything. He likes to say he needs time because you special and he doesn’t want to move too fast to ruin it. He will call you baby and other generic but sweet names making you feel like you special but to be fair it’s so he doesn’t mix up your name.

 

Anybody else have lightbulbs going off in their head? Or a picture of a certain someone flashing in front your face? Yeah.. me either.

Makes sense to me….

Let me be honest with y’all, cause really that’s the whole point of this. I know many fuckboys, I am friends with fuckboys, I have dated fuckboys, hell I was even a fuckboy myself.

 

Now what do I think a fuckboy is? I think it’s someone who is using and manipulating another person for their own selfish reasons. This person will likely play the victim in many situations and will project their own wrongdoings on to you and accuse you of things that they themselves are guilty of doing. They will never fully commit and make you feel crazy for ‘asking too much’. When asked about their current relationship status they will say things like “It’s complicated, don’t worry.” They will vanish abruptly and tell you every excuse they could think of. They will also put the onus on you to make plans. They’ll ask “When are you free?” “Link me when you can” “When am I going to see you?”. Oh and the biggest red flag, said person will say that all their exes are crazy.

 

Now why do we like them? Because let’s face it we have all fallen victim to the appeal of a fuckboy….

 

Fuckboys tend to be men who portray confidence in everything they do. They have this air about them that makes them seem unattainable to you (even though you could probably name at least 5 people that they’ve slept with). Hey I’m not judging!! You feel like maybe just maybe you could be the person who changes that. And they sell the dream that you CAN be that person. But of course when you do everything in your power to be what they want and more, your efforts go unappreciated and then you wonder why they won’t commit. Or rather, in the way that you want them to. Hunny, it’s not in their DNA. They want to have someone there, without giving up their independence. Their confidence comes from their ‘ability’ to make you go from wanting them to needing them. They will do this by any means necessary, even if they have to tear up your self-esteem to make that happen. RUN FAM RUN!!!!!

 

Fuckboys have pride in themselves. They will be well dressed (although my idea of well dressed might not be your idea of well dressed, but that’s none of my business). They will have good personal hygiene and smell good… the smell.. so.. friggin… delicious…..

Where was I? Oh right. YES. They will be looking GOOD, note I said looking good not good looking. LOL But if you think some put together guy makes up for everything else that he does NOT have going for him, like a half decent personality, please go see a therapist. Seriously, I know tons.

 

Fuckboys will treat you right. Wait did you read that correctly? You did. And yes fuckboys will treat you right in the beginning. They will do all the right things… cute messages, sex, sleepovers, you name it, they will do it. You know why? Hook, line and sinker.

But… and this is a big but.. whyyy do we as confident people fall for this?

Honestly, I think some of it is our fault. Don’t stop reading y’all, hear me out!

 

We expect nothing. In this day and age, social media, casual sex, heartbreak, drugs and alcohol.. we do not expect someone we find appealing to give us the time of day. And we set our expectations so low that we crave almost any attention that comes our way. Why? We all struggle with insecurities. Whether it’s something you struggled with your whole life, or you’re reeling from a bad break-up, it’s in our nature to like comfort. I get that..I really do. But bear in mind, there are up sides to dating a fuckboy.

 

You will know EXACTLY what you’re willing to settle for, and what you aren’t. You can learn to recognize the signs of a toxic person, and hopefully stay far away. You will learn the harsh lesson that you could be the most perfect person in the world and someone could still not want you, and that it is NOT a reflection of you.

Learn to love yourself first and you are much less likely to fall prey to a fuckboy. Know that you deserve better and never settle for less than what you deserve. Remember, you have to learn to be ok with letting go those who are ok with letting you go.

With this in mind, go brave peeps.

 

 

And remember, do as I say, NOT as I do!

You sure?

 

 

I only love my bed and my Lilo, I’m sorry

By | Inner musings, Lifestyle | 4 Comments
 WHAT WAS THAT EXAM?! A question I find myself asking way too often. All I want is my bed. Yesss it’s raining, thank God.

All those thoughts ran through my head as I pulled in to my covered parking spot under my building. I began what (at the time) was the grueling trek up the four flights of stairs to my apartment. After the first two, I stopped at an odd sight – an ugly little ball of dirty fluff sitting on the inside of the gate to the main entrance of the building.

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT AN ANIMAL PERSON… Well I wasn’t.. Not so much hate them, but I was pretty much scared of every living thing. I’m still pretty scared of most things.. not most..but..birds.. BIRDSSSS… birds. All things with wings. Anyway, I digress.
I walked upstairs and dropped my things off and for the life of me I do not know why I decided to go back downstairs to see if this ‘thing’ was alright. As I watched him from a short distance away, he walked straight up to me and lay his little head straight across my toes of my right foot. DAMN IT. I’ve got to see if you’re ok now.

Never having a pet, I gingerly picked up this damp little guy and took him upstairs and fed him tuna and water (I first tried to give him milk but I googled and simultaneously received a million IG DMs about cats being possibly lactose intolerant). I dried him off and decided I would keep him for the night and take him to the vet the next day and let them put him up for adoption. That night I was supposed to go out to meet friends but his beady eyes begged for company and they tugged at my heart strings like a puppeteer. I refused to take him in my room because obviously I had no idea where he was from. I ended up sleeping the entire night on the couch.. if you could call it sleeping. This kitten slept all over me. My stomach, my face, curled up in my arms, I don’t know why he felt so safe, or why I felt so safe.

So dirty and scrawny

I hope I don’t catch something from this damn cat

Guess I’m not going out anymore…

The next morning, we went to the vet as soon as they opened, and he cuddled in my arms and napped the whole way there and the whole way back. At this point the kitten was either going to be Lilo or Luna. A boy it was! And for the record, his name is Lilo (LIE-LOW, not Lee-Low). After a thorough check-up, I had every intention of leaving him with the vet to find him a good home. SPOILER ALERT: I didn’t. I got to the counter at the vet to pay and when the vet asked if she should dispense his medications for me, I instinctively said yes. He wouldn’t leave my arms and the vet said, “Wow he knows his mummy.” HOW was that even possible when I’ve only had this kitten for 16 hours?!?

First vet visit – We look like we used to pitch marbles..but kitten or monkey?

After the vet, we went to a pet store to get all the necessary supplies. I had to take him with me in my arms and of course, this being Barbados, EVERY SINGLE person stared at me.
“AYE LOOK SHE HAVE SHE CYAT IN SHE HAND.”
That was pretty funny.

We came back home to my apartment (which by the way, does not allow pets – sorry guys!) and he ate and drank and then took his first bath. That was an experience.. but update: he follows me in to the shower everyday now.

In just under 24 hours, I went from living alone and being lonely at that; being super busy, to being completely smitten with a kitten named Lilo. However within the next month, I was leaving to go on my medical elective for five weeks to Tanzania, Africa and having fallen in love with him as quickly as I did, I could NOT bear the thought of boarding him at a vet. So… I did the next logical thing.. Take him to Trinidad to stay with my parents for two months! LOL

Even though my parents had met him a few weeks after I rescued him (or he found me as people like to say), nobody expected them to fall in love with Lilo as much as they did. We ain’t animal people..BUT he stole everyone’s heart, and continues to steal the hearts of everyone he meets, even people he hasn’t!

Fast forward six months and Lilo has changed my life in so many ways. If you don’t think that pet therapy is a real thing, then you obviously haven’t seen my posts with Lilo. He is my best friend, and came in to my life thus saving my own life and his. I have less anxiety, I’m not lonely, and I wake up happy every single morning to kissies and licks on my face. Everyday I get to come home to the sleepiest face in the world, who plops down and extends his neck for a rub. The responsibility of having to take care of something (I nearly typed someone there, because he truly is so human like) that is 100% dependent on you can give your life a whole new purpose. He has grounded me and makes my life better every single day. I used to laugh at those people who were obsessed with their pets (Hey Aunty Suz and Gen!)…Now, I think I am more obsessed with my pet than anyone and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Love,
A crazy cat lady <3
PS – Here are some snaps of the cutest kitty ever to get you through the day!

Post bath snuggle

 

This is today. Typing this post. He has to touch lol

How he insisted on sleeping when I first got him.. Actually made me look like I have boobies lol

Whenever I sit on the chair next to the counter, he comes and presses his face right next to mine.

 

Little Soldiers

By | Inner musings, Lifestyle | One Comment

What is a life being lived in fear?
When there is nothing left to do but despair.
We’re told to hide and pretend like nothing’s wrong,
But how can I do that, and for how long?

They won’t understand, they can’t see,
But what is it, what is it about me?
The fears masked by smiles, the pain hidden so well,
But no you’re ok, carry on, on this you must not dwell.

You’ll fall behind, they’re all going to talk,
When they see you on the corridor, you know they’re going to gawk.
Why can’t I pause, just give me that chance,
To breathe, to love and maybe to dance.

The clock is ticking, and better you do not feel,
What is it going to take in this world to heal?
One day at a time you tell yourself,
Go on get in there, don’t sit on the shelf. 

You’re a slacker, a failure and oh so much more,
Another problem you have, oh gosh you’re such a bore.
Be strong little solider, tomorrow will come,
And day by day stronger you become.

I cannot stay silent, matter of fact I will not,
If I can help just one person then my purpose is a lot.
Strength in numbers, remember you can,
No one is an island, no woman or man.

I am here to tell you that on the bad days it will rain,
But it’s just a passing cloud, not a hurricane.
Stay strong little soldier, this you can do, 
We all need encouragement, me and even you.

I am here to hold your hand, lift your spirits high,
That does not mean that you cannot cry.
One step at a time, one foot in front the other,
Lean on who you can, your siblings, father and mother.

When all else has failed, look up to the sky,
And know I am with you, this is not a lie. 
Together we can, and together we will,
I believe in you little solider, your purpose you will fulfill. 

Everything Everything

By | Inner musings, Lifestyle | 10 Comments

Have you ever wanted to be everything to everybody? It sounds stupid right? Well, I have. My.Whole.Damn.Life. I don’t really remember when it started, I just remember wanting to take part in everything. Tennis, swimming, golf, ballet, tap, jazz, you name it, I wanted to do it. The question is why. The only thing I really enjoyed was the dancing. I guess not a whole lot has changed. Swimming made sense because duh I live on an island, might as well be a strong swimmer. So I did swimming for years, and then guess what? There was a tennis court in the same compound as the pool. Well hey I have 45 minutes before swimming why don’t I go and do that? Suffice to say, that was short lived. There was no way my scrawny little self (at the time) could swing a racket around for 45 minutes then do laps in an olympic sized swimming pool. That was a mistake. Anyway, on to golf. Anyone who has even the most superficial knowledge of who I am, will know that my family is everything. My papa used to play golf quite frequently, and being as close to him as I was, of course I started. In all fairness, I was pretty bad, but that didn’t stop me from continuing. I don’t know if I enjoyed making other people happy or if I managed to convince myself that I was happy. Either way, that too was a mistake. Now back to the dancing. Dancing.. what can I say about dancing. I have loved to dance since I was a little kid. I took my first ballet class when I was 4 years old and I remember not having the proper leotard, I was in my gymnastics leotard and I felt so self conscious. Oh crap.. gymnastics.. I totally forgot about that. Anyway, irrelevant. After beginning ballet, I soon began to pursue tap dancing, and jazz, or what we call modern dancing. That was definitely the most fun I’ve had in an extra-curricular.

 

You’re probably here wondering, why the prelude? Of course that’s me assuming that someone besides my mom (Hey mom!) is actually reading this. Now more than ever before I find myself on the brink of being overwhelmed every single day. Yes of course being in medical school plays a huge part of that, but I think there’s a whole element to it that I do to myself. I kill myself trying to be there for friends and family and what has it taught me? That nobody gives a shit. Man, if I had a dollar for every time I thought I meant more to someone than I did, well I’d be chilling in the Maldives sipping on a bellini instead of writing this post. The problem is that I expect people to do the same for me that I would do for them. Spoiler alert – that doesn’t happen.

 

Now how did this all start? Or when did I realize that I have this propensity to act like this? Well, I have this habit, of being called Responsible Rachel. I can’t remember how or where the name originated from but it’s there. My first point of interaction with many a person has been when they were drunk and me springing in to action as if I were the reincarnation of Florence Nightingale herself. But the massive problem I’m now faced with is that YES, it does make me happy caring for other people. Why it makes me happy is yet to be determined by a shrink, but it definitely does. *Yay me* for being in the right profession. My question is.. how do I stop? Do I stop? Don’t get me wrong, it makes me happy to make other people happy, but at some point, you have to be self aware. And I think I’ve reached that point.

 

At several points throughout my life, I functioned as the go-to friend. You have a problem? Tell Ash. You need to talk? Tell Ash. You need a drink? Tell Ash. (Ok that last one is still true) You need a ride? Tell Ash. It has been absolutely draining to try and keep up friendships that weren’t even friendships in the first place. They were all about convenience. And now that the need has been removed, so has the ‘friendship’. The truth is that I never gave of myself expecting anything in return. Or so I thought.. “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself.”

 

Now that I look back on those experiences, (thank you hindsight for being 20/20) I at least expected what I gave.. and that was too much. There was no way that people who did not really care about me could ever give me what I gave them, because they didn’t feel the same. It has been a long road with some brutal lessons and A LOT of soul searching to accept that there are only a handful of people in my life that I can really count on. And let me tell you guys, these are the kind of people who make life worth living. The people in my life are some badass humans who love and support me more than I will ever deserve. With their love, my spirit remains unbroken and I will never stop exuding love in everything that I do. I will always strive to give 100% of myself to help anyone who needs it. If ever you’re feeling overwhelmed, and under-appreciated, I’m probably feeling it too, so do what I do and listen to Rihanna. Today is Riri’s 30th birthday, and as she says: “Don’t let the bastards get you down, turn it around with another round.” SO deep Riri, SO deep (and true I might add). Love is the answer.. so keep giving of yourself, you never know, it may change someone’s whole world. It sounds cliché, but other than a bush bath, the only thing I can offer you peeps, is love.